Things most people do not know about me (or if I told them, they forgot): I am an introvert and I am shy. I am also an actress.
It is exhausting for me to teach a class, preach a sermon, and even talk to people. I choose to do those things. I enjoy doing those things, but there is a physical, mental, and emotional price I pay. This is not a complaint. These are just the facts, Mam.
This is not a symptom of getting older. I have always been this way, although it took me years to figure out what was going on. In fact, it was a turning point in my life when I found out that this is not a character flaw. It is simply the way I am wired and there any many others like me (although it is hard to convince extroverts that it is not a character flaw.)
Yesterday I was “on” from 8:45 am until I arrived home at 7:00 pm. And even then I was still on because my mother needs more attention and care at this point. It was pretty much all I could do to change out of my churchy clothes and sit down. I just sat for about 45 minutes before I was able to read the newspaper. But that wasn’t the hard part. The hard part was that I was so depleted that I felt like a failure. I felt like all my intricate, devious plans and hard work have been for nothing. No progress is being made. And that, of course, is ridiculous, but that is what emotional exhaustion will do to my thinking and especially my filters. I reach a point when only the negative (or what I interpret as negative) information sinks in and the positive just gets lost or ignored.
The good news is that this morning I no longer feel that way. I am not completely recovered. I am still exhausted, but there just enough energy recovered that I can identify the positive. What I need is the whole day to rest and not use my brain for more than minimal functioning, but that’s not going to happen. Although it is my day off, there is laundry that must be done and dishes that must be done and there is an appointment with a new doctor for my mother.
So no more apologies (to myself) for any conveniences I pay extra for. Bring on those expensive coffee pods. It’s too much trouble to fill up the reusable filter today. Bring on the take-out food. We can get something that has vegetables in it. Forget mopping the kitchen floor since my feet aren’t sticking when I walk – yet. If the trash makes it out of the house and into the can, that’s enough. If the can doesn’t get to the curb, too bad.
Today’s reading (although it’s really yesterday’s reading, but I just didn’t have it in my to write anything yesterday) is Ephesians 2:4-10. We are saved by grace through faith. Thanks be to God, because if it was up to me I wouldn’t have the energy necessary even to make a plan. Seriously, thank you, God.