I don’t know what made me write that post – Part 1 of It’s like Having Molasses in Your Brain and Heart. I actually started it one day and finished it a couple of days later. I think it was because I started to feel a little low and I realized how much that scared me. Not a lot low. Just a little low and I was really scared – not now, please not right now.
So the good news is that I think I am past it. This time. I am still in hypervigilant mode for a while just in case. It’s funny that even now I can convince myself that if I just do all the right things I’ll never have to go through this again and I know it’s not true, but I still dream that one day it will be true.
Sometimes when I am depressed I am able to function pretty well during the day. That coupled with my magnificent, Oscar-worthy acting ability lets me pretend there is nothing wrong. Most of the time people have no idea that I am actually depressed. I just have to hang on until I can get home and let go. But I don’t live alone any more. I didn’t think that was going to be such a big deal, but it turns out that it is.
Now when I come home drained – I still have to be “on” for my roommate. My roommate is my Mother. She is 88 years old and will be 89 on August 1, 2012. Physically she is in very good shape. Mentally she is slowing down. A lot. She gets confused easily and needs more and more help deciphering her mail and her doctor’s instructions and the stove. She pretty much sticks to her microwave now and I’m fine with that.
Most days she is here at the house by herself all day and wants to talk right when I get home – the very time in my former routine when I used to decompress, when I need to decompress. Now I have to check in on her and start dinner immediately so we can eat dinner together at a reasonable hour. No more “I’ll just have a bowl of cereal for dinner.” There’s nothing wrong with having cereal for dinner as long you are eating the fruits and vegetables and protein you need during the day. I have to make sure she gets those fruits and vegetables and protein. And that she is taking her meds. And that she pays her taxes. Some days that takes energy that I just don’t have, but I do it anyway. I’m tired.
Being tired is scary. Being tired for too long a time can bring on the depression. Something has to give. So I don’t watch TV like I used to. There are many nights I never turn the TV on. That’s really okay because there isn’t much on TV I enjoy watching. Why is it that every show I want to see is on the same night and often at the same time? Sheesh.