This evening I am profoundly sad. Am I depressed? I don’t think so (but better check again tomorrow to make sure.) I am simply sad about recent events.
It’s odd and yet interesting to me that I can feel this bad and not identify it with depression. Maybe this sadness is grief. I am grieving right now the death of a member of my congregation. I led her memorial service on Wednesday. It was full of music and funny stories and deep faith. All those things reflected who she was very well.
But I am also grieving relationships that are not what I thought. I guess they never were. God knows, my family know, my close friends know, I know that I am a flawed person – a weak, recalcitrant, human. I realize that pretty much everybody fits those criteria, and yet, I am so disappointed in a whole group of people.
Can I forgive them? Of course. I am starting that process right now, but it won’t be complete tonight. That is going to take a while.
My fervent prayer is that together we can work toward health and wholeness. Not so much a physical health, but a spiritual and mental health. There is a sickness of dysfunction that needs to be exposed to the light of day – to the light of God. We all need healing. We must learn a new way to work together and to relate to each other. We must.
As Jane Parker Huber wrote, we are “called as partners in Christ’s service, called to ministries of grace.” Partnerships require a level of trust I do not feel tonight, but I am hopeful that I will again soon.
“I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter but my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter, but I think it’s about forgiveness. Forgiveness, even if….even if you don’t love me any more.” Don Henley, Michael W. Campbell, and John David Souther